Entry 49 – March 6, 2025

Tears warmed my face as I sniffled back the pain

I didn’t want to let it out

Inner turmoil manifestation

“We should stop seeing each other”

Echoed into the silent dark college apartment room

I instinctively brought my hands up to my face, covering the regret and ultimate sadness

You pulled my hands down, pulled me close, and said, “It’s ok, it’s going to be ok.”

Your voice cracked and I could feel the pulses of sobs

I think I will always remember that night, a memory that I can never unpin in my mind

You said some things that I won’t forget

And I think that I did too for you

A few moments earlier, I told you I loved you

And you said you were honored to be loved by me.

Words that will always bring me to tears

You asked me to stay the night,

and even though I was reluctant at first I’m really glad that you did

I really needed you, I still need you

Holding each other and saying sweet nothings were what we needed

Why did I end it? Why couldn’t we struggle for a bit longer

It was the right choice, but why is it the right choice

The world was, and I think it will always be, against us being together

As sad as it is.

I love you, and I think that I always will, how could I not love you

You were my first, first kiss, first girlfriend, first girl

How could I forget you, and why would I want to

You truly made me feel like myself, more than anyone in my entire life has made me feel like myself.

I felt like I fit into place. I haven’t had that

I really loved being with you, it was adult, it was warm, it was messy, it was passionate

And that’s my downfall, the passion

The passion tricks me into thinking this could work again

It drew me in and kept me until I stepped back and saw the scars that we made

I think that passion will always be inside me for you

Even now as we figure out this whole friend thing, you drive me crazy

And I have never ever met anyone who makes me this passionate

Which is why I think that I am struggling to let you go

But you should go, you have so much going for you, and you have your whole future right in your lap

But I’m not your future, or going for you, and that’s what makes me absolutely sick to my fucking stomach.