Entry #51 – March 21, 2025

So I go back behind closed doors, secretly wishing you would open them. You once did that, bringing light back into the darkened room. But just as quickly as it shone, it switched back to black. I cling to the beams that you left; they dim each day. I get farther and farther from the love that I once felt for you.  I used to admit that I liked the darkness, but now all I admit is that I miss you. I hate the darkness, and I hate that you showed me that I hate it. Hate is what I want to have for you because I could never feel indifference. Love is what I wanted to have for you, but you wanted indifference. You fully have your fingers in each fold of my brain and muscle in my body. I breathed in your air, our heartbeats synchronized, we touched and held each other in ways that no one else got to. And yet, it was easy for you to throw it away and give up. When you felt yourself fall, you caught yourself and pushed me. You watched as I fell, you enjoyed it, and for what? You knew I loved you, that I was scared, and that I didn’t want to get attached. You knew. And yet you let it happen because you were selfish. I never wanted to be selfish, and in turn, I let you be. I said all the pain in the world was worth it to be able to love you, and I meant it. Now I’m living it. We will never be the same, all because we didn’t want to play it safe. I promise I won’t call and tell you how I feel because we aren’t each other’s anymore; we are two strangers who meet and talk about nothing until our time is up.